Has this ever happened to you? You experience a negative event–a small mistake leads to criticism from a friend or perhaps a colleague makes a negative comment. It gets lodged in your mind and you can’t stop thinking about it. You relive it over and over again. After a little while, you begin to focus on your mistake and start judging yourself. This makes you unfocused. Because you’re not paying attention, you make another mistake, which leads to a vicious cycle of judgment and negativity.

We’ve all been there. You feel trapped in negativity and don’t know how to get out. But guess what? You have the agency to decide whether events in your life are positive or negative. Positive situations are opportunities to improve and negative ones are challenges that will help you grow. It is up to you to decide how you want to frame what happens in your life.

That means you have the ability to choose where you take your life.

However, this way of thinking may seem counterintuitive. For many people, reframing negative situations into positive opportunities can be very difficult without proper guidance. The reason for this is we learn to internalize criticism as children. Childhood is about finding and exploring boundaries. Our caretakers correct our behavior when we misbehave, and so negative feedback colors our self-perception as we grow up. During this time of growth, many of us internalize that voice of authority chastising us.

When something bad happens, instead of claiming our agency and reframing it as an opportunity for growth, that voice of authority creeps in and tells us we’re wrong. As a result, we accept the negative weight of the situation thinking we’re helpless.

We all have unloving thoughts about ourselves because we have grown up being chastised and punished for mistakes, and so we begin to search for self love. However, it can be very difficult to overcome the impulse to berate ourselves. When we accept negative framing, we are accepting self-criticism instead of self-love. We thus frustrate our own need for self-love and then criticize ourselves for not loving ourselves enough. When you judge yourself for not loving yourself, you create a snowball effect of negativity and continue that pattern of self-criticism.

How can you escape this pattern of self-criticism?

First, don’t beat yourself up when something goes wrong–being hard on yourself isn’t going to motivate you but take you deeper into self-criticism. You may feel that your shame expiates your guilt, but when you act out of contrition, you still operate from the belief that you aren’t lovable or you don’t deserve love and forgiveness.

So why not try something else?

Believe it or not, getting trapped in a pattern of guilt is a choice. You can decide to forgive, accept and love yourself NOW.

Here is one activity you can do whenever you feel trapped in negativity:

Because these feelings come from dwelling on the past, the best way to break free is to bring yourself into the present. Find a quiet place, sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. For two minutes, focus on the sensations you feel in your body. Have an itch in your right leg? Maybe your elbow is sore. Use this time to focus on all the feelings and sensations you block out throughout the day. Say them out and loud as a way to focus on them. This will bring you into the present moment.

We feel helpless when we focus on the past because we cannot change it. But the future is open. By bringing yourself into the present, you allow yourself to look to the future and create new choices for yourself. Create a future of love for yourself.

If you want to break this vicious cycle of shame, guilt and unhappiness, you can. If you decide that you are ready for a new way of living that is guided by self-love, I can help.

Message me and we’ll find out how I can help you best.