How one realization about pleasure changed my life

Maria Hubmann — Tue, 12 May 2020 15:01:04 +0000

I was dependent on pleasure.

Pleasure used to be something I mostly received from my environment. On the other hand, by giving pleasure I was in the more powerful position. Through giving pleasure I was building a pleasure account in my head. I expected that the “pleasure debt” would naturally be repaid, so I rarely specifically asked for something I liked to receive, e.g. a massage.

I kept giving (sex, time, work…), but didn’t receive in the way I wanted to. Instead of just asking for what I wanted I became angry, frustrated, resentful. I wanted people to guess my desires and fulfill them perfectly. In my opinion being dissatisfied, overworked or sad should clearly be enough for them to know what I wanted – and incline them to fulfill my needs.

If they truly wanted me to be happy, they should make me happy.

Needless to say, that this approach didn’t yield the desired results.

Slowly, I realized that the source of my pleasure is actually ME. My body and mind create, enhance, change, suppress, enable pleasure. I wasn’t dependent on an outside source any more, but I am fully in charge of my pleasure myself. This had always been the case, but I hadn’t realized and embodied it.

Intellectual knowing isn’t enough. It needs integration.

This might look like a small thing on the outside, for me, however, everything changed.

I am responsible for my pleasure.

I am responsible for my suffering.

I am responsible for my experience.

I am responsible for my emotions.

I am responsible for my life.

I call myself sex and pleasure coach, yet what I do is so much deeper than that (and sexuality is already pretty deep and intimate).

I help women to feel radiantly alive.

I support women to live their desires.

I create a loving space of exploration and possibility.

That is why my message to the world is not specific to sex, but is rooted in choice:

You have the freedom to choose yourself, trust yourself and love yourself now.

You don’t need to wait for anything to start living your dreams.

You don’t need permission from anybody to recognize and express your authentic being.

The choice is yours – always. Yet until you realize this, your life will be more painful than it needs to be – just like it was for me.

My message doesn’t talk about living the right life, instead it talks about living your life.

With love,

Maria

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The one question that will change your life if you actually answer it

Maria Hubmann — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 15:16:12 +0000

For years I have been so busy working that there wasn’t much time left for all the other good things my life had to offer.

At some point it dawned to me that constant hard work couldn’t be the desired end of it all. This was immediately counteracted by nasty thoughts like “You are lazy!” “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” or “Working hard earns you the respect of others.” And I still believe them – sometimes more, sometimes less. On some level they make sense and I can find data that supports them.

However, I can also find data that supports the opposite. This is when I know that I haven’t found a solid foundation. A solid foundation is something that is supported by known data, without any known data for the opposite, like for example gravitation.

This means that almost nothing we believe in our day to day thinking is a solid foundation. It’s rather a story that we choose to believe. This choosing mostly isn’t a conscious choice, yet a choice that we can change any time.

Maybe you argue that you can also choose not to believe in the existence of gravity. You sure can and you still need to take responsibility for your choices, actions and their consequences.

One of my many stories is “Working hard earns other people’s respect.” My parents always worked hard and most of my relatives worked physically hard. I don’t know how often I witnessed this scene: It’s time for a major cleaning endeavor in our apartment (it’s probably spring cleaning time) and my cleaning-loving aunt comes over to help my mother (she is of course working full time) clean our 100m² home “properly”. They hover the floor, clean the windows and dust off everything that can be dusted off. And they talk and talk and talk. This endless talking engraved a sentence in my brain that goes somewhat like this: “And you know [name of my aunt’s neighbor] is constantly sitting in the cafè and you have no idea what her house looks like!” “Really? Well, this wouldn’t happen in my house for sure!”

What is little Maria learning here?

1. Cleaning is boring and the aunt is also incredibly boring and annoying.
2. To be respected and to belong I have to work hard.

But why do I bring up a 30 year old cleaning story? You would argue that a young person just goes out into the world, tries out all kinds of things and goes with the experience that works best for her. In my case this would be working hard and noticing if other people (whoever that is) respect me (whatever that means exactly), and then working not so hard and noticing if others respect me less, like expected. (I am aware that this “as expected” part can play a huge part of my experience and I want to keep this out of the discussion to make things simpler.)

What a smart and logical thing to do, don’t you think?

Just that almost nobody acts this way.

?!?!?!?

“What’s wrong with us?” we might ask.

Nothing is wrong with us. We just keep behaving in ways that already served us in letting us survive, belong and feel loved. Testing things means that we have to act differently than we’ve always done, so this will feel very new and uncomfortable. Furthermore, people will think we are crazy for testing “common knowledge” in the first place, so we instantly lose their respect. NOOO, this testing thing is stupid. Let’s not do that.

It all makes perfect sense. Only it doesn’t when you look a bit closer.

We like to believe that we are fully in charge of our lives. Yet our thoughts are almost always those of our mother / friend / partner / religion etc. We make decisions based on stories we are surrounded by and act well in the confines of these stories.

So am I the leading entity in my life? I would want that, but have to be honest and say no. The best I can do for now is to reflect whose thoughts, values and guidance I am currently acting from. Going a step further, I also strive to have at least one new thought per day.

A powerful way to do that is to ask yourself “What if this thought is not true?”

If you feel really adventurous, try on this question right now. What made you click and read this article and is this thought true?

It probably is something like “Maria’s content is always awesome, so I think I’ll learn something by reading this.”, which clearly is correct ;-), so well done!

And there is the chance that you thought something like “I don’t know how to live a pleasure-filled and more empowered life, so I need some inspiration from an outside expert.” Guess what! This is just a story you made up.

How about this instead: “What if I already knew how to bring pleasure into my life and act according to my desires? What would I do then?”

Without knowing you personally I can tell that you already know how you bring pleasure and empowerment into your life and act according to your desires. There are just some stories that hold you back from acting from this knowledge.

Basically, what I want to say here is that it is fun to challenge your own thoughts.

What if you assumed that not every thought you think is actually true?

This will change your life. Nothing more and nothing less.

Have fun with this and until next week!

Much love,

Maria

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How one realization about pleasure changed my life

You have the freedom to choose yourself, trust yourself and love yourself now.

Do you want to feel fully at home in and in love with your body?

The one question that will change your life if you actually answer it