I was dependent on pleasure.

Pleasure used to be something I mostly received from my environment. On the other hand, by giving pleasure I was in the more powerful position. Through giving pleasure I was building a pleasure account in my head. I expected that the “pleasure debt” would naturally be repaid, so I rarely specifically asked for something I liked to receive, e.g. a massage.

I kept giving (sex, time, work…), but didn’t receive in the way I wanted to. Instead of just asking for what I wanted I became angry, frustrated, resentful. I wanted people to guess my desires and fulfill them perfectly. In my opinion being dissatisfied, overworked or sad should clearly be enough for them to know what I wanted – and incline them to fulfill my needs.

If they truly wanted me to be happy, they should make me happy.

Needless to say, that this approach didn’t yield the desired results.

Slowly, I realized that the source of my pleasure is actually ME. My body and mind create, enhance, change, suppress, enable pleasure. I wasn’t dependent on an outside source any more, but I am fully in charge of my pleasure myself. This had always been the case, but I hadn’t realized and embodied it.

Intellectual knowing isn’t enough. It needs integration.

This might look like a small thing on the outside, for me, however, everything changed.

I am responsible for my pleasure.

I am responsible for my suffering.

I am responsible for my experience.

I am responsible for my emotions.

I am responsible for my life.